she said

where is your mobile phone? near
where is your significant other? mirror
your hair color? chocolate
your mother? brilliant
your father? gone
your favorite thing? passion
your dream last night? forgotten
your dream goal? boston
the room you're in? cold
your hobby? folding
your fear? failing
where do you want to be in 6 years? dancing
where were you last night? moms
what you're not? discovered
one of your wish-list items? santorini
where you grew up? suburbia
the last thing you did? newspaper
what are you wearing? scarf
your TV? nonexistent
your pets? amaya
your computer? sexy
your mood? hopeful
missing someone? wilner
your car? fit
something you're not wearing? bra
favourite shop? thrift
your summer? devastating
love someone? familia
your favourite colour? bluepinkgreenyellowpurple
when is the last time you laughed? grandma
when is the last time you cried? mr. big

sadly, yesterday ended on the couch with a lager and a pile of kleenex. five months ago i made the most difficult and mature decision of my adult life and pushed someone away for the right reasons. i push people away on a bi-weekly basis and usually out of annoyance or disgust. this was not the case with the marine. while our connection was intense and our relationship a loving one, i could not care for a man that couldn't take care of himself. i think of him often but stay away for his sake. and maybe our short story feels like an epic novel because i never lost respect for him. or maybe because just loving another human is epic.

the very day i cut ties i vowed to spend a year alone. i knew i had nothing left to give and that i had to learn how to love myself. i thought the secret to loving tina was in a self help book so i read most of them. then i swore off self help books and decided to sit with my emotions. rather than chase happiness i allowed myself to feel exactly how i felt without judging it. damn it felt good to be angry and resentful and hurt and let down rather than "ok." then i diligently tended to the wounds of the past by throwing away letters and forgiving people and letting go. and with the exception of the marine, i now feel nothing towards my exes. i had a moment of zen when i realised that i wouldn't know how to assert myself or set healthy boundaries or not blindly trust a cheater or get out of unhealthy relationships or listen to what my body was telling me if it weren't for those people. i'm not ready to love someone else yet, but in choosing not to i'm really loving myself.

so i've learned that the secret to loving tina is through acts of love. i don't distract myself with relationships. i do the work even if it f'ing hurts. i eat whole foods. i make things with my own two hands. i write things that are honest and important. i get out of the city so i can breathe fresh air. i nourish my soul with profound literature and beautiful music yet i don't apologize for reading vogue or listening to country. i keep company only with those people that love me unconditionally and if they aren't around i enjoy being alone. i relieve myself of the burden of trying to label my sexuality or political views or anything else for that matter. i try to tread lightly but don't beat myself up when i stumble. i still get trapped in my own impossible standards but continually choosing to love myself provides a nice buffer.

“there are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. but the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself."
-carrie, satc

before the orgy of greed ensues

sho•po•ca•lypse [shah PAW kuh lips] n. the end of mankind from consumerism, over-consumption and the fires of eternal debt!

i'm not anti-christmas. i'm against the way we celebrate the holiday in america by going broke. and every year i become less and less interested in the spending spree. no matter how many holly jolly christmas carols i hear or how much egg nog i guzzle, i just can't accept it. i'm already broke! and for personal reasons no year have i felt the pressure of having to buy more than this year. with a giant sense of inadequacy i look at my hand embellished cards on the table next to coupons for my time based gifts of baby sitting and window washing. i feel that i ought to have more to give and that no amount of time spent in the throes of creativity and thoughtfulness will replace the flat screen or the coach purse.

i wonder when it stopped being fun for me and started being the source of guilt with a sidecar of disgust. when did the songs start sounding so cliche and who let jessica simpson sing christmas carols? why can't i just enjoy the rum balls and turkey instead of longing for a locally sourced, organic salad? how come i'm not comfortable measuring love in ounces of perfume? am i the only one that thinks that jesus, mary and joseph look ridiculous as illuminated piece of plastic? love doesn't smell like clinique happy and baby jesus isn't a christmas ornament that looks like a larvae. i don't buy any of it, literally or figuratively.

let it be known that my christmas wish is for it to be over yesterday because my reasoning abilities and conscience are that of a hippie. enjoy the time you have with your family, recycle the wrapping paper that you tear off your mountain of gifts, and try to give something to someone in need in the next few days. or continue to celebrate the holiday like sheeple. whatever jingles your bells.

i'll be there with bells on

by "there" i mean santorini.

my meditteranean blood longs for the warmth of santorini. or any place warm really.

i'm sure that when i say it's snowing in hillsboro it conjures up lovely images in the readers mind of beanie by the fire with a mug of chai and her stack of origami paper. in reality it consists of me running through the dark, 54 degree house at 6 in the morning, attempting to locate the source of incessant beeping while using nothing but a cell phone to light the way in a power outage. of course now the power is back on and the heat is on and i can see the flash light that was on the night stand right next to me all night.

i'm curious if any other oregonians have resorted to redneck wedding marathons on cmt and donning the winter parka with eskimo fur in the house to survive. i'm not igloo material despite being mistaken for an eskimo by a distant relative at a funeral one year and always secretly longing for a pet penguin. snow is not fun if it's a foot deep and covered in a deadly sheet of ice unless you are tapping the rockies while in it. mmm, beer.

beansicle out.

wedding filth

timeless and classy like jackie o.

pimp my ride.

hello barfy.

the dress i'll be wearing in hell.

behold. the hello kitty themed wedding. this blog goes out to my homegirl staysail in florida. stayse, we've been cool since 99, but we will be cool no more if you take your love for all things hk to this level. dinosaurs? fine. rufus as ring bearer? sure. jay-z jams at the reception? outfreakinstanding. but absolutely none of this creepy sanrio crap or i will burn your wedding to the ground.

p.s. i love you.

an ethic of caring

if everyone cared and nobody cried

if everyone loved and nobody lied

if everyone shared and swallowed their pride

then we'd see the day when nobody died

when nobody died...

thanks nickelback for writing such an honest song. and thanks to mrs. s (a.k.a. the girl with the camera) for tonights eye opening dose of reality. there's a world beyond the mall folks. and it needs more attention than your boots with the fur or heidi and spencers wedding. the ice is melting, there is a war going on in iraq, a genocide in darfur, an occupation in tibet, and on a local level your neighbors are probably struggling to put food on the table because the economy went to poo. so pick something to care about that is bigger than yourself. speak of and work for something besides where you went to college and the fancy things you own. if you want to advocate for honey bees and gay rights than do it. it's really important to stand for something. i hear that if you don't you will fall for anything.

lia griffith is f'ing fierce

i've never seen anything as fabulous as this paper dress. the designer is a genuis and i am in love. i actually saw it in person at pcc and it rocked my world. the artist told us she enlisted the help of many of her friends to complete the 1,000 paper cranes and thus refers to them as "lovingly folded." sigh. lia griffith, i will lovingly fold for a creative super hero like you any day.

game over

this is the part where i fast forward through the grieving process and accept the things i cannot change. i'm medically disqualified from ever going back into the military. although it was only 2 days ago that i announced to the world that i was going to be a marine, i have spent years wanting to be one. years wishing i had trusted my gut at the age of 20. years knowing that the only reason i am not now a marine is because i never believed in myself enough to go do it.

this of course begs the question, where do i go from here? what do i do with my life? do i go to vegas to be with ashley and joe? do i stay here and find a new dream to chase?

2009 is like a big blank canvas. tina will either downward spiral into a heap of misery and depression while becoming paralyzed by options and indecision and self doubt thus painting the canvas with shit or she will decorate the canvas with the glitter that is her awesomeness and the aesthetically pleasing bold lettering that is her success.

i need to believe that 4 years on active duty, 8 months in honor guard carrying caskets and 1 iraqi campaign medal is enough. i am in a glass case of emotion.

a good bit of truth from time magazine.

"The personal is political" may be feminist gospel, but like any article of faith, it can be taken to extremes. Everything about Palin seemed personal: an energy policy reduced to "Drill, baby, drill," an economic policy embodied by Joe the Plumber. We knew too much about her clothes and her kids and her hunting habits and far too little about her priorities and principles. It was enough to make you grateful for Obama's near total lack of sentimentality and emotional transparency. We don't care how he feels; we care what he thinks and what he does.

—Nancy Gibbs

i said portland, oregon not fairbanks, alaska.

seriously, i'm over it. i've been looking out the window at snow for days. the first few of those were spent with a pounding head ache and bad cold. now my body is punishing me in other clever and uncomfortable ways for gorging on fruity pebbles. i was able to make a quick trip to target for more drugs yesterday during a lull in winter wonderland 08. i worry that i may really be falling off the face of the earth out here when the target in hillsboro feels as exciting as the abbey in west hollywood. and my mother was kind enough to inform me that it is supposed to snow through christmas. wtf weather dude???

i haven't accomplished nearly enough with all this down time. today i'm working on christmas gifts and overcoming advanced stages of boredom via crafter blogs and the style channel on demand. below is a really beautiful photograph from tina at lifelovepaper. nice image. even nicer name.

six years ago today i started basic training. i fondly recall having my web belt and canteen twisted and being called john wayne by a randon t.i. and having ssgt birkner shout "fix your shit wahhhhh" an inch from my face. and then there was the night tsgt archambo came over to play key soup and tornado with the flight. i thought it was fun. the only really stressful part of basic was everything that happened between revilee and morning chow. i never got used to waking up, dressing, fixing my hair, brushing my teeth and making my bed in exactly 37 seconds. i did a huge amount of what felt like cheating by pop tarting at night, sleeping in trouser blousers and using half a bottle of gel on my hair at one time. hard core bean.

winter bliss. aka, my own personal hell.

yes, it's true

you know mamas and daddies want better for their daughters

hope theyll settle down with a doctor or a lawyer

and their uptown, ball gown, hand-me-down royalty

they never understand why their princess falls

for some camouflage britches and a southern-boy-drawl

or why shes riding in the middle of a pickup truck

blaring hank jr., yelling, turn it up!

they raised her up a lady but theres one thing

they couldnt avoid

ladies love country boys

semper fi

my favorite commercial ever. tear.

simple things

i have found such joy in simple things;
a plain, clean room, a nut-brown loaf of bread,
a cup of milk, a kettle as it sings,
the shelter of a roof above my head,
and in a leaf-laced square along the floor,
where yellow sunlight glimmers through the door.
i have found such joy in things that fill
my quiet days: a curtain's blowing grace,
a potted plant upon my window sill,
a rose, fresh-cut and placed within a vase;
a table cleared, a lamp beside a chair,
and books i long have loved beside me there.
oh, i have found such joys i wish i might
tell every woman who goes seeking far
for some elusive, feverish delight,
that very close to home the great joys are:
the elemental things- old as the race,
yet never, through the ages, commonplace.
-g. crowell

it was a crazy game of poker. i lost it all.

i am the sky.

the best of friends.

penelope.

bright lights, big city.

wine corking, dormido style.

i flew to vegas before thanksgiving and ended up staying for two weeks. what a wild and wonderful ride. during those days with ashley and joe i earned the title of karaoke virgin-no more, rode the roller coaster at new york new york, laughed until it hurt at a comedy club, shopped at h+m, bonded with little penelope, saw old military friends, adopted two puppies, had a great political debate, discovered the sonic java mocha chiller, sat down to lots of family dinners, found a concert buddy that loves dave matthews as much as i do, had an instant dance party, etc...
now i'm back in portland with all my craptastic cold symptoms. it's a bittersweet end to such a wonderful time.

ahh, vegas. when i left in 2006 i floored it out of town in the blue jewel, blaring leaving las vegas by sheryl crow, without looking up once to see the city shrinking in my rear view mirror. at the time it represented my undoing. i saw it as the root of the deployment/failing marriage/grandpa dying trifecta. it has only been within the last few months that i've realized anyone would have buckled under those circumstances. and buckle i did, in a shell of the person that i once was.

fast forward to 2008 where my current relationship with sin city bears no resemblance to the one before. i go there to center myself. i go to vegas, of all places, to escape the chaos of every day life and feel something authentic with my closest friends. what hope is there for this little tree hugger in a city with no trees, no co-op, no large independent used book store??? vegas has the dormidos. it doesn't really need anything else.

it is abundantly clear that i have come full circle. aside from the cough that evokes looks of horror in public, i am happy to say that i am now healed and whole. the shell of the person that i once was now holds a strong, joyful, determined woman that survived a war and a failed marriage and the death of her beloved grandfather. i don't know what the future holds for me. if it means a drastic change in career or a new are code or re-enlisting or leaving the convent or running until i puke or all of the above i welcome it with open arms. at the very least i know who i am, where i've been, and that i am forever indebted to ashley dormido, who has loved me unconditionally through it all.

you play. you win. you play. you lose. you play.

i've done a lot of high stakes gambling and yes, i've lost it all. i'm going to keep playing though, because every time that i've risked something it has revealed what i value. this is the story of my adult life, hidden under the guise of neon lights and lady luck.

design is a good idea

dainty little pillow selling for big bucks that could easily be made with a fabric marker and diy foam stamp. i appreciate the sentiment.


recession worthy wrapping with paper bags and duct tape bows. i'm seeing a lot of great ideas for wrapping christmas presents in a stylin and conscious manner. i might try to make pom pom bows out of old plastic bags.


santa monica museum of art installation. 250 children responding to the question what would i be if i weren't human? i suspect i would be a koala bear or a muffin.


the anatomy of a gummy bear. it speaks for itself.

i'm thankful for

the love of my family
the support of my friends, near and far
my health
my niece who is my little ray of light
the past which made me who i am today
my mind and heart which are wide open
little things that bring me joy like folding paper cranes
perfect and beautiful moments in life
all of my basic needs being met and exceeded
being more grounded
freedoms i take for granted
a bright future