she said

where is your mobile phone? near
where is your significant other? mirror
your hair color? chocolate
your mother? brilliant
your father? gone
your favorite thing? passion
your dream last night? forgotten
your dream goal? boston
the room you're in? cold
your hobby? folding
your fear? failing
where do you want to be in 6 years? dancing
where were you last night? moms
what you're not? discovered
one of your wish-list items? santorini
where you grew up? suburbia
the last thing you did? newspaper
what are you wearing? scarf
your TV? nonexistent
your pets? amaya
your computer? sexy
your mood? hopeful
missing someone? wilner
your car? fit
something you're not wearing? bra
favourite shop? thrift
your summer? devastating
love someone? familia
your favourite colour? bluepinkgreenyellowpurple
when is the last time you laughed? grandma
when is the last time you cried? mr. big

sadly, yesterday ended on the couch with a lager and a pile of kleenex. five months ago i made the most difficult and mature decision of my adult life and pushed someone away for the right reasons. i push people away on a bi-weekly basis and usually out of annoyance or disgust. this was not the case with the marine. while our connection was intense and our relationship a loving one, i could not care for a man that couldn't take care of himself. i think of him often but stay away for his sake. and maybe our short story feels like an epic novel because i never lost respect for him. or maybe because just loving another human is epic.

the very day i cut ties i vowed to spend a year alone. i knew i had nothing left to give and that i had to learn how to love myself. i thought the secret to loving tina was in a self help book so i read most of them. then i swore off self help books and decided to sit with my emotions. rather than chase happiness i allowed myself to feel exactly how i felt without judging it. damn it felt good to be angry and resentful and hurt and let down rather than "ok." then i diligently tended to the wounds of the past by throwing away letters and forgiving people and letting go. and with the exception of the marine, i now feel nothing towards my exes. i had a moment of zen when i realised that i wouldn't know how to assert myself or set healthy boundaries or not blindly trust a cheater or get out of unhealthy relationships or listen to what my body was telling me if it weren't for those people. i'm not ready to love someone else yet, but in choosing not to i'm really loving myself.

so i've learned that the secret to loving tina is through acts of love. i don't distract myself with relationships. i do the work even if it f'ing hurts. i eat whole foods. i make things with my own two hands. i write things that are honest and important. i get out of the city so i can breathe fresh air. i nourish my soul with profound literature and beautiful music yet i don't apologize for reading vogue or listening to country. i keep company only with those people that love me unconditionally and if they aren't around i enjoy being alone. i relieve myself of the burden of trying to label my sexuality or political views or anything else for that matter. i try to tread lightly but don't beat myself up when i stumble. i still get trapped in my own impossible standards but continually choosing to love myself provides a nice buffer.

“there are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. but the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself."
-carrie, satc