it was a crazy game of poker. i lost it all.

i am the sky.

the best of friends.

penelope.

bright lights, big city.

wine corking, dormido style.

i flew to vegas before thanksgiving and ended up staying for two weeks. what a wild and wonderful ride. during those days with ashley and joe i earned the title of karaoke virgin-no more, rode the roller coaster at new york new york, laughed until it hurt at a comedy club, shopped at h+m, bonded with little penelope, saw old military friends, adopted two puppies, had a great political debate, discovered the sonic java mocha chiller, sat down to lots of family dinners, found a concert buddy that loves dave matthews as much as i do, had an instant dance party, etc...
now i'm back in portland with all my craptastic cold symptoms. it's a bittersweet end to such a wonderful time.

ahh, vegas. when i left in 2006 i floored it out of town in the blue jewel, blaring leaving las vegas by sheryl crow, without looking up once to see the city shrinking in my rear view mirror. at the time it represented my undoing. i saw it as the root of the deployment/failing marriage/grandpa dying trifecta. it has only been within the last few months that i've realized anyone would have buckled under those circumstances. and buckle i did, in a shell of the person that i once was.

fast forward to 2008 where my current relationship with sin city bears no resemblance to the one before. i go there to center myself. i go to vegas, of all places, to escape the chaos of every day life and feel something authentic with my closest friends. what hope is there for this little tree hugger in a city with no trees, no co-op, no large independent used book store??? vegas has the dormidos. it doesn't really need anything else.

it is abundantly clear that i have come full circle. aside from the cough that evokes looks of horror in public, i am happy to say that i am now healed and whole. the shell of the person that i once was now holds a strong, joyful, determined woman that survived a war and a failed marriage and the death of her beloved grandfather. i don't know what the future holds for me. if it means a drastic change in career or a new are code or re-enlisting or leaving the convent or running until i puke or all of the above i welcome it with open arms. at the very least i know who i am, where i've been, and that i am forever indebted to ashley dormido, who has loved me unconditionally through it all.

you play. you win. you play. you lose. you play.

i've done a lot of high stakes gambling and yes, i've lost it all. i'm going to keep playing though, because every time that i've risked something it has revealed what i value. this is the story of my adult life, hidden under the guise of neon lights and lady luck.