welcome to my party

i've officially lost sight of the shore and now my face gazes at horizons more beautiful than anything i have ever seen. in choosing to stay single and stay in portland i have forced myself to let go. for the first time in my adult life, i am learning how to be in the moment; how to stop fighting everything. i work to cultivate the kind of happiness that is sustainable, rather than fleeting happiness that comes from a relationship or material posessions or society's sad definition of success. i differentiate between being happy and being distracted.

today i am happy, as i was yesterday and will be tomorrow. any discomfort i have experienced in 2009 has been eclipsed by a shift in attitude, renewed hope, and the knowledge that this really IS my time. i've buried the victim mentality and chosen to take responsibility; not for what happens in my life, but for how i react to it. i have made a conscious decision to create happiness in my life instead of chasing it. and i make that decision over and over, every day.

there is a tattoo on my arm that reads, "celebrate we will." i celebrate the inauguration of the first african american president. i celebrate the unity and hope that americans are feeling after 8 long years of george w. bush politics. i celebrate my summons to jury duty and the american judicial system that declares a person innocent until proven guilty. i celebrate the black eye i got while drunk on vodka and bliss. i celebrate chemistry and the realisation that jeanie davis was right when she said, "tina baby, you can do anything you put your mind to." i celebrate my command of the english language and my ability to have a political debate without resorting to name calling and archaic devices. i celebrate caring who touches my food and being educated on the plight of the migrant worker and farmer in america. i celebrate my refusal to wear the veil of ignorance or be complacent. i celebrate being able to name my strengths at the drop of a hat. i celebrate friends that are loyal and supportive and understanding and forgiving. i celebrate the gospel according to men with guitars. i celebrate my pure potential.

the 44th and the first

congratulations president obama.

i dreamed i was a synchronized swimmer

seriously. i dreamed i was on an award winning synchronized swim team with my friend megan. we had cute little flower swim caps and great legs. but my dream quickly turned into a nightmare when i missed the championships and let my entire team down. megan called to tell me the team won 1st place (of course) and that we weren't friends anymore. when i woke, i immediately texted megan to apologize for missing the championships and letting her down. she quickly retorted that she had let ME down by not coming to get me.

my friends are the best at providing a different perspective. this dream obviously relates to repressed guilt for being a bad friend. i don't feel guilty about being a bad friend to everyone. just the people that really matter to me. they know who they are. and i know who they are because they're the ones that don't ever judge me or give up on me or let me think that i'm the only one responsible for missing the championship synchronized swimming competition. i miss those people terribly. vegas, italy, newyork, and florida, you are in my thoughts always.

buy the ticket, take the ride

cutest old italian lady in the history of the world rides the tram.

the most authentic photograph of portland you will ever see.
wet and dreary.

those swiss dudes know good design.

bean!

grandma and tina rode the tram. those weird shiny metal beans in the sky save an estimated 93,000 gallons of gas annually, reducing greenhouse emissions by more than 1,000 tons. named after the first african american and woman graduate of ohsu medical school, walt and jean are a good time. notice the twinkle in grandmas eye.

the purpose of the tram is to shuttle patients and medical personnel between the main ohsu campus and the south waterfront facilities. i was quite pleased to learn that the south waterfront district is the first urban neighborhood in oregon to be certified salmon safe and nearly all of the buildings are LEED certified. as the tram glides gracefully towards the waterfront you can see thriving rooftop gardens and really outstanding architecture from ankrom moisan, a firm that is world famous for their green design. i think portland is what happens when hippies do work.

science is sexy

i'm balls deep in school work already and it's the first week. i'll kick and scream the whole way through the term, but really, i love this stuff. i love sitting in the front row and absorbing more information than i ever thought my pea brain could hold. i love viewing simple squamous epithelial cells through the microscope and firing up the bunsen burner. i love leaving the lab with raccoon marks from safety goggles and taking pages and pages of notes in cryptic scribble that i'll later spend hours pouring over in some 24 hour coffee shop at 3 am, for yet another test.

college suits me well, so i'm ok with still being in it. this is really my final attempt at getting admitted to nursing school. i'm going to apply again in january of 2010. if the powers that be deem me unfit for the program then i'll choose a new adventure. until then i will doggedly pursue the highest marks in classes that sound as scary as they are. classes like cellular biology, microbiology, and medical ethics. have no fear, beanie can do anything she puts her mind to. even synthesis of biodiesel using grease from the schools kitchen to complete the process of transesterification.

FREE lemormint bath salts

yesterdays creative endeavor involved making my own bath salts. rather than pay a bunch of money for bath soak laced with artificial color and fragrance i have concocted a cheaper all natural version. bean's lemormint bath salts are made with epsom salts, sea salt, sodium bicarbonate (that's what we in the industry call baking soda) and 17 herbs and spices. not really. i used a secret blend of organic essential oils to for scent and saved the herbs and spices for the chili cook off.

i road tested the goods and will never pay for store bought bath salts again. the lemony/pepperminty water was soft and soothing like a purring kitten yet invigorating like sticking your head out the window of a moving car into the rain. so unless you can get your cat in the tub i recommend e-mailing me [tinakirsten@gmail.com] immediately with your address for your own sack of chronic white powder that i cooked up in grandma's kitchen in northeast portland. it will be free as long you agree to go out into the world and commit one minor sprightly transgression while shouting "i was saved by bean's lemormint bath salts."

my toast is cuter than your toast

grandma and tina now own a designer toaster. hello kitty is no good for weddings but she makes toast taste extra yummy delicious. she also defrosts and reheats. i'm in love.

more snow!

happy fit.

happy feet.

happy home.

paper craft

curling petal edges with toothpick

wrapping leaves around wooden stem

proudly displaying my first paper rose

gramps is in the hospital and not doing well. the v.a. generally frowns on live flowers due to allergies so i decided to make crepe paper flowers. i cut out heart shaped pieces and finessed them into petals with my fingers. a toothpick helped to curl the edges as rose petals tend to be a little curly on the ends. these delicate paper pieces were then wrapped around a wooden stem and secured with florist tape. the first one is a little late in the season for my taste, but not bad for a first try. this is kind of time consuming and tedious so i expect it will take me a while to finish the whole bunch. it's a good excuse to sit around and listen to lady gaga and sip on mint tea while getting my craft on for someone special.

do your dance

favorite show = csi las vegas
favorite cover = word up by willis
favorite subject = chemistry
favorite hobby = dancing
favorite lab rat = hodges

i celebrate myself

indifference

indifference is what i am not bringing to 2009.

she said

where is your mobile phone? near
where is your significant other? mirror
your hair color? chocolate
your mother? brilliant
your father? gone
your favorite thing? passion
your dream last night? forgotten
your dream goal? boston
the room you're in? cold
your hobby? folding
your fear? failing
where do you want to be in 6 years? dancing
where were you last night? moms
what you're not? discovered
one of your wish-list items? santorini
where you grew up? suburbia
the last thing you did? newspaper
what are you wearing? scarf
your TV? nonexistent
your pets? amaya
your computer? sexy
your mood? hopeful
missing someone? wilner
your car? fit
something you're not wearing? bra
favourite shop? thrift
your summer? devastating
love someone? familia
your favourite colour? bluepinkgreenyellowpurple
when is the last time you laughed? grandma
when is the last time you cried? mr. big

sadly, yesterday ended on the couch with a lager and a pile of kleenex. five months ago i made the most difficult and mature decision of my adult life and pushed someone away for the right reasons. i push people away on a bi-weekly basis and usually out of annoyance or disgust. this was not the case with the marine. while our connection was intense and our relationship a loving one, i could not care for a man that couldn't take care of himself. i think of him often but stay away for his sake. and maybe our short story feels like an epic novel because i never lost respect for him. or maybe because just loving another human is epic.

the very day i cut ties i vowed to spend a year alone. i knew i had nothing left to give and that i had to learn how to love myself. i thought the secret to loving tina was in a self help book so i read most of them. then i swore off self help books and decided to sit with my emotions. rather than chase happiness i allowed myself to feel exactly how i felt without judging it. damn it felt good to be angry and resentful and hurt and let down rather than "ok." then i diligently tended to the wounds of the past by throwing away letters and forgiving people and letting go. and with the exception of the marine, i now feel nothing towards my exes. i had a moment of zen when i realised that i wouldn't know how to assert myself or set healthy boundaries or not blindly trust a cheater or get out of unhealthy relationships or listen to what my body was telling me if it weren't for those people. i'm not ready to love someone else yet, but in choosing not to i'm really loving myself.

so i've learned that the secret to loving tina is through acts of love. i don't distract myself with relationships. i do the work even if it f'ing hurts. i eat whole foods. i make things with my own two hands. i write things that are honest and important. i get out of the city so i can breathe fresh air. i nourish my soul with profound literature and beautiful music yet i don't apologize for reading vogue or listening to country. i keep company only with those people that love me unconditionally and if they aren't around i enjoy being alone. i relieve myself of the burden of trying to label my sexuality or political views or anything else for that matter. i try to tread lightly but don't beat myself up when i stumble. i still get trapped in my own impossible standards but continually choosing to love myself provides a nice buffer.

“there are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. but the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself."
-carrie, satc

before the orgy of greed ensues

sho•po•ca•lypse [shah PAW kuh lips] n. the end of mankind from consumerism, over-consumption and the fires of eternal debt!

i'm not anti-christmas. i'm against the way we celebrate the holiday in america by going broke. and every year i become less and less interested in the spending spree. no matter how many holly jolly christmas carols i hear or how much egg nog i guzzle, i just can't accept it. i'm already broke! and for personal reasons no year have i felt the pressure of having to buy more than this year. with a giant sense of inadequacy i look at my hand embellished cards on the table next to coupons for my time based gifts of baby sitting and window washing. i feel that i ought to have more to give and that no amount of time spent in the throes of creativity and thoughtfulness will replace the flat screen or the coach purse.

i wonder when it stopped being fun for me and started being the source of guilt with a sidecar of disgust. when did the songs start sounding so cliche and who let jessica simpson sing christmas carols? why can't i just enjoy the rum balls and turkey instead of longing for a locally sourced, organic salad? how come i'm not comfortable measuring love in ounces of perfume? am i the only one that thinks that jesus, mary and joseph look ridiculous as illuminated piece of plastic? love doesn't smell like clinique happy and baby jesus isn't a christmas ornament that looks like a larvae. i don't buy any of it, literally or figuratively.

let it be known that my christmas wish is for it to be over yesterday because my reasoning abilities and conscience are that of a hippie. enjoy the time you have with your family, recycle the wrapping paper that you tear off your mountain of gifts, and try to give something to someone in need in the next few days. or continue to celebrate the holiday like sheeple. whatever jingles your bells.

i'll be there with bells on

by "there" i mean santorini.

my meditteranean blood longs for the warmth of santorini. or any place warm really.

i'm sure that when i say it's snowing in hillsboro it conjures up lovely images in the readers mind of beanie by the fire with a mug of chai and her stack of origami paper. in reality it consists of me running through the dark, 54 degree house at 6 in the morning, attempting to locate the source of incessant beeping while using nothing but a cell phone to light the way in a power outage. of course now the power is back on and the heat is on and i can see the flash light that was on the night stand right next to me all night.

i'm curious if any other oregonians have resorted to redneck wedding marathons on cmt and donning the winter parka with eskimo fur in the house to survive. i'm not igloo material despite being mistaken for an eskimo by a distant relative at a funeral one year and always secretly longing for a pet penguin. snow is not fun if it's a foot deep and covered in a deadly sheet of ice unless you are tapping the rockies while in it. mmm, beer.

beansicle out.